Wisdom from Heaven

It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes I wake up with a fragment of a thought in my head - usually it's a verse or a song lyric. Does this ever happen to you? 

Yesterday morning I woke up with the words "the wisdom from heaven is..." floating in my head, like the last remaining vapor of a dream. I noticed it, but was not completely awake, and quickly forgot about it. Later that day I was scanning radio stations and heard someone preaching about asking for wisdom. That reminded me to look up the verse: James 3:17.  

James says that "earthly, unspiritual" wisdom looks like jealousy and selfishness, and "wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." (James 3:13-16 NLT). Ouch.

I'm not proud to admit it, but that's been me. I've been bossy, nagging, passive-aggressive, manipulative, defensive, and vindictive. I've been anxiously controlling. I've held onto self-pity and bitterness in my heart. I've tried to preserve my own power and comfort, and tried to find security or approval at the expense of loving others or trusting Jesus. I've resented people who seemed to "have it better" than me. 

It's not pretty.

None of this brings me peace or creates peace in my home. None of it feeds my soul. Living this way damages my own heart and spirit and wounds people that I claim to love. It feels like withering away instead of thriving.

But that fragment of a verse gently reminded me that there is a different way. 

Pure. Peaceable. Gentle. Open to reason. Full of mercy and good fruits. Impartial. Sincere. 

Dear God, That's what I want. That's how I want to live. I want to be a peacemaker. I want to be fruitful. I don't want someone else's life, and I don't want to waste the life I have. 

That fragment of a sermon I heard on the radio about asking for wisdom? That comes from a verse found in the book of James too: 

Wow. All I have to do is ask? 

I sense something shifting in my heart and feel a hopeful (as well as a little anxious) glimmer in my spirit. It feels like change is looming on the horizon, like a slowly approaching sunrise. 

Dear God, please show me the way.

Current thoughts

 

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, 

when my heart is overwhelmed; 

lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 

Psalm 61:2 KJV

Eleven+ years of babies and toddlers and kids. Fragmented sleep, anxiety, exhaustion, depression. And grace upon grace. Normal moments that I often didn't appreciate. Tears, laughter, arguments, apologies. Hugs, kisses, snuggles, vomit, poop, relentless mountains of laundry.

"Lead me to the rock that is higher than I" -- above my fears, confusion, fatigue, selfishness, loneliness, and resentment. Above my hurt, pain, grief, confusion and distraction. You have, over and over, breathed grace, love, and mercy into my soul.

Thank you, Lord.

Rebalancing

Working on finding balance. What are some helpful things for you?

I want to start focusing on three areas right now: Exercise, Community and Joy.

My oldest Gavin had a school 5K today and that was fun. He didn't run the whole way because he stayed with a friend who didn't want to run. I decided to be thankful that he wanted to be with his friend instead of pushing him to run the whole race. He is after all only in first grade and has never run even a mile before. But I am excited about starting to run with him because he did really well and has a lot of energy and I think that would be a good outlet for both of us.

Finding community is always a challenge when I've moved, but I have a few areas where I am starting to make connections and I just want to be intentional and remain interested in people. Sometimes I get tired and cranky and want to go into hermit mode and I just have to kick myself out of that. At home, Aiden always pulls me out of my hermit mode. He loves to have conversations, and for me to read to him or help him with his Batman cape or just hold him and snuggle. I want to reach out like he does.

Judah, my youngest, is a living breathing example of joy to me. He is just such a happy kid most of the time and I am so glad for that! He started dancing in the booth at a restaurant today while "Joy to the World (Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog)" by Three Dog Night was playing. It was the cutest thing. That song is pretty fun. (But I don't get the part about the bullfrog). I want to dance, sing, laugh, play, love, smile, and enjoy life more.

So my goal is to just stay focused on the lane I'm in... I want to be a good manager and be grateful for what I've been given, and not envy what someone else has. I really don't want to live someone else's life.

Dysthymia

Well, this is embarrassing.

In the spirit of 1 John 1:9 however, I believe confession leads to healing, so here goes.

I have probably been depressed or close to it for the last fifteen+ years.

Not a surprise to some of you...perhaps surprising to others who don't know me that well. And I apologize for not letting people see my true self.

As a counselor, friend, sister, mother, wife, and daughter, I've been a pretty bad example of self-care. Since my children are all boys, I don't want them to grow up thinking women are all negative, insecure, passive and unmotivated. I don't want them to think taking care of someone else means you forget to take care of yourself. I don't want them to think that there is nothing to hope for or look forward to in the world. I definitely don't want them to think that Jesus saves your soul but it doesn't mean that much for your mind or your body.

But these are all things I have struggled with. I have felt invisible, unimportant, undesirable, lonely, guilty, and ashamed. I usually start each day thinking "Today will be better!" but end it thinking I failed again. A friend used to affectionately call me a depressed optimist.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be a joyful optimist! I want to have love and energy. I don't want to look back on each day feeling angry and sad.

I can't be good enough, and I don't want to try to be good on my own strength anymore. I want to really know what it feels like to be alive in Christ. I have always believed in it...I have had tastes and glimpses of it. I just haven't COMPLETELY experienced it.

I don't want to give the impression that I have a miserable life. I am so thankful for so much! I have a strong, kind, compassionate, gracious husband, beautiful children and a very supportive family. I have wonderful friendships with beautiful caring loving people. This is why I know that my depressed mood is a disorder...because it doesn't match the circumstances in my life. I also haven't lost my faith...it has honestly been my lifeline. I have been (or am being) set free from other struggles such as envy and materialism and ways I was idolizing things or people. So I know there is hope to get through this journey too. Join me? If you'd like to, let me know so I can pray for you while I am working on me. We are all in this together.

My Home in 100 Words

I subscribe to this great Creative with Kids blog and one of today's writing prompts is this question:

• How would you like your home to feel?  Make a list of 100 words that come to mind

So here goes!

1. Welcoming
2. Inviting
3. Encouraging
4. Fun
5. Homey
6. Friendly
7. Inspiring
8. Loving
9. Restful
10. Peaceful
11. Drama-free
12. Simple
13. Clean 
14. Musical
15. Forgiving
16. Generous
17. Happy
18. Silly
19. Creative
20. Artistic
21. Active
22. Safe
23. Authentic
24. Uncluttered
25. Minimalistic
26. Pretty
27. Joyful
28. Funny
29. Unique
30. Light
31. Refuge
32. Positive
33. Honest
34. Hilarious
35. Expressive
36. Caring
37. Patient
38. Kind
39. Spiritual
40. Humble
41. Hopeful
42. Supportive
43. Truthful
44. Thankful
45. Grateful
46. Appreciative
47. Sharing
48. Adventure
49. Interesting
50. Purposeful
51. Strong
52. Growing
53. Learning
54. Blooming
55. Energetic
56. Courageous
57. Fruitful
58. Life-giving
59. Imaginative
60. Serving
61. Harmonious
62. Calm
63. Non-anxious
64. Gentle
65. Possibilities
66. Gracious
67. Hardworking
68. Free
69. Smiles
70. Bookworms
71. Faithfulness
72. Scripture
73. Laughter
74. Hugs
75. Kisses
76. Snuggles
77. Blessings
78. Gifts
79. Helpful
80. Songs
81. Trustworthy
82. Brave
83. Soulful
84. Real
85. Flourishing
86. Compassionate
87. Cooperative
88. Respectful
89. Delightful
90. Christlike
91. Gospel
92. Uplifting
93. Justice
94. Tough
95. Endurance
96. Unselfish
97. Do-overs
98. Grace
99. Family
100. Celebration

What would your 100 words be? (Did I repeat any? Ha!) 

I think I would like to take one word a week and focus on making my home reflect that word more. That is going to be a fun project!

Freedom in Christ

What enslaves you? 

Some of the things that I struggle with feeling enslaved by are people-pleasing, anger/impatience, and generally selfishness of all types. Also, my favorite caffeinated sugary brown beverage. If I don't have a Coke every day it tends to consume my thoughts pretty excessively.

How do we stand firm in the freedom found only in Christ? 

Time spent reading His Word, praying and acknowledging our need for Him, and fellowship with other Christians. I love how God connects us with His Holy Spirit and speaks to us through Scripture and through one another! This week a friend shared a verse with me to encourage me, and it was the same verse that I had just written down the night before!!! WOW.

The picture above is that verse. I hope it will encourage and speak to you this week. BE FREE!

Love, Kimberly

Whispers to my heart lately.

I saw the quote below From this blog on comparison, insecurity, shame... and it just kicked me in the gut ... in a good way.

How tragic to be far from You. To live a brief existence of gorging on self and then to die in a moment and be forgotten forever. I am sad and sorry for those who are unfaithful. For those who fake it, but never become real.

WOW. Gorging on self? Yeah, I've been pretty guilty of that much more than I'd like to admit.

I love how when God steps on my toes, he gently redirects me to new life and purpose.

LOVE. That's what it's all about...that's the cure for selfish overindulgence - just LOVE. How can I tap into the love of God? Just by breathing it in! I am so thankful for that! Just the gift of life and breath! He loves me through my children's beautiful faces, through my husband's gentle strength, through my family's grace and forgiveness, through my friends' encouragement, through sunshine and fall air and cleansing rain and countless little sprinkles of joy and laughter and even through pain and suffering as a still, small Presence that will never leave me. 

How can I pour this love into my sweet children? My husband? My family and friends and community? Just breathe it back out. That's my goal...just breathe, and let love fill me and overflow until it spills back out.