Dysthymia

Well, this is embarrassing.

In the spirit of 1 John 1:9 however, I believe confession leads to healing, so here goes.

I have probably been depressed or close to it for the last fifteen+ years.

Not a surprise to some of you...perhaps surprising to others who don't know me that well. And I apologize for not letting people see my true self.

As a counselor, friend, sister, mother, wife, and daughter, I've been a pretty bad example of self-care. Since my children are all boys, I don't want them to grow up thinking women are all negative, insecure, passive and unmotivated. I don't want them to think taking care of someone else means you forget to take care of yourself. I don't want them to think that there is nothing to hope for or look forward to in the world. I definitely don't want them to think that Jesus saves your soul but it doesn't mean that much for your mind or your body.

But these are all things I have struggled with. I have felt invisible, unimportant, undesirable, lonely, guilty, and ashamed. I usually start each day thinking "Today will be better!" but end it thinking I failed again. A friend used to affectionately call me a depressed optimist.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be a joyful optimist! I want to have love and energy. I don't want to look back on each day feeling angry and sad.

I can't be good enough, and I don't want to try to be good on my own strength anymore. I want to really know what it feels like to be alive in Christ. I have always believed in it...I have had tastes and glimpses of it. I just haven't COMPLETELY experienced it.

I don't want to give the impression that I have a miserable life. I am so thankful for so much! I have a strong, kind, compassionate, gracious husband, beautiful children and a very supportive family. I have wonderful friendships with beautiful caring loving people. This is why I know that my depressed mood is a disorder...because it doesn't match the circumstances in my life. I also haven't lost my faith...it has honestly been my lifeline. I have been (or am being) set free from other struggles such as envy and materialism and ways I was idolizing things or people. So I know there is hope to get through this journey too. Join me? If you'd like to, let me know so I can pray for you while I am working on me. We are all in this together.